Game/life balance, or: on being a raiding parent
Like several nerds of my generation, I am a parent, and have discovered myself in the strange position of not having given up my gaming hobbies. Before I had a kid, in that nebulous time when I myself was a kid and the earth’s crust was still warm, I assumed that one day I would Grow Up and have children and naturally give up every personal hobby because parents (who were not weird and strange like mine) weren’t Supposed To Do That.
This is an odd belief not only because my mother and father successfully raised three hugenormous nerds, but themselves met playing Pong at a bar. I have no idea where it came from, other than general social pressure. Nevertheless, I was pretty sure that once I had a weester of my very own, my gaming — especially my srs!raiding — days were done for and I was really, really sad about this, just like I was really, really sad about having to give up my Wednesdays at the pub.*
Then the gup arrived, and something strange happened: I actually wasn’t sad about it anymore. It was weird the way it worked out; the first little bit, where every moment was an exercise in OH GOD IS SHE STILL BREATHING PLEASE TELL ME SHE IS STILL BREATHING, I was not in fact gaming and totally did not miss it at all. But then, as my gup grew older (she is rapidly approaching her first birthday, which is in September) and started entertaining herself, immediately my game-time managed to weasel its way back into my life.
It has not been easy, and probably won’t be until she’s away at college and I’m curled up on the couch with FF XXI, but for those of you who are also new parents or who are thinking about possibly becoming parents or who just spend a great deal of time randomly checking under leaves in cabbage patches, here are the handy-dandy things I try to keep in mind when I WoW it up (because I really, really don’t want to give up ALL my gaming funtimes, but also definitely don’t want to end up as a picture on CNN.com under a CHILD DIES OF NEGLECT WHILE MOTHER SLAYS INTERNET DRAGONS headline).
If I am not comfortable taking time away from my tiny human, I don’t.
Sometimes, I have to bail in the middle of a random even after waiting forfuckingever for the DPS queue to pop. Sometimes, I don’t get to do my dailies. Sometimes, I have to suck it up and fall short of the VP cap. Sometimes, I don’t get to level an alt or PVP or do anything ‘fun.’ Sometimes, she will perch on my desk and attempt to assist in the slaying of internet dragons by helpfully pointing out things on the screen. Sometimes, there is food in her hands when she does this. Sometimes, I cry bitter tears about how I can’t have nice things and I remember fondly the time when smearing dinner on my monitor was a terrible horrible accident and not an eventuality of life with a tiny mobile dervish of destruction with fingerfood and opposable thumbs.
And that’s okay, because I made that conscious choice when I decided to try balancing Face-Melty Aro and Mom Aro.
(my poor monitor ;____;)
I have a support system.
Before I got back into raiding, I had a nice long talk with Mr. Aro about time commitments and priorities, just as I would if I were to pick up a freelance project or dive back into community theatre. We determined together whether or not it was feasible (or fair) of me to ask him for nine hours of uninterrupted guptime a week, and he doesn’t feel like I’m drop-kicking the baby at him and running away to hide and I don’t feel like I never get to do anything fun. I am so incredibly lucky both that I am not doing this on my own and also that Mr. Aro thinks raiding is rad.
(Of course, if the gup did not tend to put herself to bed half an hour before raid started and just left him on-call rather than full-scale active duty, he maybe would think very differently about these things.)
I am open about my weester-driven priorities.
Here is a thing I did not know: babies are total germ factories whose sole aim in their tiny tiny lives is to try and destroy themselves in as interestingly and horrible ways as possible. For example, if my child had the opportunity to eat staples and broken glass, she would LOVE IT. She gets violently, ragingly angry when I do not let her try and strangle herself with my keyboard cord or remove scissors from within her reach. She also gets every goddamn bug that goes around the entire city, regardless of how minor it would be for a grown person. This means that I have to tell people that I have a tiny human and that may occasionally make me flake.
Of course, this is a game where a member of my healing team once alerted me before a Kael’thas pull that “afk, the cat’s on fire.”
It’s basically the same thing raiding with a baby, except replace “on fire” with “chewing on the power strip” or “projectile vomiting” or “engendering the poopocalypse” or, with a particularly precocious infant, “on fire.”
*I still can’t make it back to the pub, though; they’re firmly 21-up, regardless of how much I assure them that she totally has my permission to learn What Good Beer Is as soon as possible.
I'm always amazed at the fortitude of players with very young children who make it through the rest of their day and manage to get some play-time in!
My recent post Who’s On First?
Sometimes I am even amazed at my OWN fortitude. XD
Sometimes I think playing around a particularly smashed friend is very much like playing near an infant. Too many bodily fluids are tossed out from either party to make the experience truly enjoyable, but when they finally pass out it seems like it's all worth it.
Good post!
My recent post Min-Maxing to the Max
You are very true, the two circumstances are not dissimilar. XD I gave up trying to wear clothing not covered in drool a long time ago.
I too thought at some point I'd become a "grownup" but as time pasted it became obvious that the only part of me that was maturing was the outer wrapper, the inside's the same big nerd.
That is one good baby to time her sleep around your raid!
Isn't she? :D
(Admittedly, I made sure to look for a guild with raids that started late for exactly that reason. XD)
We were playing Diablo when our son was born (2001) and found that he loved sitting in a bouncy seat on our desk between our two monitors where he could see both of us make funny faces. The night we found out we were pregnant with our daughter, I had been out with friends and came home to find my husband leaning back in his chair playing Civ with our son blissfully asleep on his chest. Our son started WoW at 4 and we used it as a way to encourage him to read, learn simple math (you need to kill 10 murlocks and you have killed 7, how many more murlocks do you need to kill?), read a map, and work as a part of a team. Last Christmas we spent the better part of the day playing Worgens as a family in our jammies.
Lots of the folks we game with have kids, so they understand the "AFK to tuck in kids" and the "BRB someone woke up" messages. They're also great resources for the "My kid is doing X, how do I get him to stop?". When you have 2 working parents and 2 small children, your opportunities for meaningful adult socialization are limited. We appreciate the chance to spend some time giggling with friends without having to find a babysitter and while still being able to spend time with our kiddos.
Congrats on balancing your family and your hobbies and best of luck raising a future gamer!
When the gup was very small, she loved curling up in a Moby wrap and watching me play (which is basically the only way I managed to level when Cata launched XD).
I think games can be full of life lessons, and I'm pleased to hear that you've managed to do so successfully — it gives me hope for my future endeavors (especially since right now her favorite toys are Dad's iPad and Mom's laptop). The social aspect is not to be denied, both from learning how to work with strangers in a team (which I think about 95% of the LFD population needs) and in keeping me sane the first few months I was home with the gup and not allowed to go ANYWHERE. Since we live way far away from both our families, online interaction is our primary social safety net, and I'm SO GRATEFUL for it.
I, too, am a parent and raider. Not just a one time parent though… oh no. My wife and I have three under the age of six. Yet I've always been able to raid. How you ask? Compromise.
First, I had to find teams that started after the kids were in bed. We're CST, so I always play on PST servers. Most guilds raid at 7pm, so that's 9pm for me. Kids are in bed by 8:00-8:30, so a 9:00 start time works.
Second, I had to make sure to have chores (toys picked up, dishes in washer, etc) taken care of before raid time.
Third, she get's weekends of baby free night time (our youngest is currently nine months) where I'll baby wrangle and feed using frozen milk.
That's kept me pretty much wife/kid aggro free during raids so I can focus on killing digital dragons.
That's almost exactly how Mr. Aro and I handle it, too — late raids, switching off nights, chores beforehand, the works. It's nice to know that we're not the only ones who've managed to make this work! I am SO lucky that I have someone willing to make this work with me, and it's important to me that he knows (and everyone knows) that raiding in a family is a team sport from both the character and player perspective, and I really appreciate it.
I started playing WoW as a way of finding a social life outside the house (via internet) in 2009 when my eldest son was about a year old. It took him no time to tap into his inner geek and learn the ropes of my keyboard as I let him bounce my character around Org and other "safe" zones. Now pushing 3, he can tell who's who in my guild by their name and characters and loves to jump on and say "HI!" to everyone now and then. I now have a 4mo old son as well and he's been addicted to watching the game since he could see straight. So much so, I have to shut down for about 3 hours a night just to get him to go to bed at a semi-decent time. In all my time gaming I've yet to start raiding due to all the "BBL, Kid needs a bath" "Someone's awake. AFK for… however long" and "BRB I gotta go on a wild sippy-cup hunt" messages, but I can't complain. 16hours a day, I'm mom and somewhere in there, my kids let me hop on and WoW when they're feeling cooperative (albeit I heal/tank with one hand most of the time while the other his usually hugging someone or latching a baby on to breastfeed).
Becoming a parent is a ton of responsibility, but we all need to me time for ourselves… even if that time involves our kids as well. lol.
I applaud any parent with the stamina to endure a full day of baby/toddler aggro and still find the energy to raid.
Even just leveling an alt or logging on to play the AH helped keep me sane when I was on bed rest in my last week of pregnancy and through the first months of having a newborn. The internet has played — and will continue to play, I assume — such an important role in my social life that it's something I'm looking forward to passing on to my daughter.
New to the blog, but right down my alley. Picked up WoW because of the paladin unit in WC2… just incredible – and not ironically my first character. Had my first kid (girl – 3) about 6 months before my first was born, and my second child (another girl) was born almost exactly a year ago. If you think finding time to play with one is crazy …. :)
Also – Magic Hat #9 – HELL YES PLEASE. Heineken = bad. I was surprised by how happy I was to read that.
Currently my guilty pleasure (wait, no, screw that guilty shit) is Sam Adams East/West Kolsch.
Interesting point on beer. After moving on from the Labatt Blue, Molson etc. that I drank in my youth I don't buy it anymore (duh), but I took home some extra beer from the younger ones b-day party last weekend. One bottle was Molson Light. I popped it, drank it. I almost threw up. There is NO going back once you've moved on.
It is often bandied around our house that we will never have to worry about her getting drunk at some high school party in the nebulous future because she will know better than to drink that garbage. By the same token, I am terrified that her teenage rebellion will consist of door-slamming "I DRANK A COORS LITE AND I LIKED IT" tantrums. XD
I can't imagine doing ANYTHING with more than one of these squealing terrors around, so I am enjoying my only-child time as much as I can for as long as I can. XD How my mom did it with three I will never understand.
I have not tried the Sam Adams Kolsch! I KNOW WHAT I WILL BE GETTING AT THE STORE TODAY. I love #9 more than I ever thought it was possible for me to love a pale ale, since I'm primarily a weizen drinker. It's saying something about the brewery that I will drink absolutely anything they brew, even their IPAs (which are all spectacular, and I don't like hops!).
If you like Magic Hat #9, you might try Sweetwater Brewery's Sch'wheat. And yes, try the Sam Adams. It's really good.
My recent post Weird Things I am Currently Pondering Doing
I lol'd at the temper tantrum. Worse would be: "Bud Light Lime is delicious!"
Out of curiosity, are you a stay at home parent? Part time job? Full Time? I ask because I find that as a stay-at-home dad with a job that ebbs and flows, I have some really weird play time issues. Like, 2 hours a week during the winter and maybe 10 in the spring/fall.
oh god Bud Light Lime kiiiiiiiiiiiiiill meeeeeeeeee
Both Mr. Aro and I work full-time office jobs. I'm really lucky that one of the awesomest childcare facilities in town is part of my office complex, so she only spends the same amount of time in there as I'm at work, and I can visit her whenever I like. This makes my playtime pretty steady, since she and I end up on the same schedules. I'm sure it'll change as she gets older and stops going to bed at 7, though. XD
My buddy and I joke that the only problem with buying sampler 12 packs at the store is that it always comes with IPA, and you CANNOT drink another beer first on a multi-beer night. If you don't start with the IPA, it screws everything else up.
That, and our wives won't drink them, so they have our names ALL over them :P
When I find an IPA I love, I really really really love it — like Magic Hat's Blind Faith, which has enough malt to balance the HOLY SHIT I JUST CUT THE GRASS IN A PINE FOREST hops — but those are so hard to find that I tend to just write IPAs off as a rule unless it's like the height of August and I'm, say, at a baseball game.
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